Don’t Press Send! Week 3! Now with more gooey eye candy!

Don’t Press Send!

Well, week two is in the books. What did we learn? Well, Cam Newton is for real, Tavaris Jackson still sucks a big floppy one, and Romo might not be as big a wuss as we suspected. Also, Oklahoma announcer and former Bengals safety Roy Williams would like to remind you that he does not nor ever has played for Chicago. He would appreciate future vulgar slurs directed to the proper twitter account. Lastly, at Tommy’s request, the Dolphins have changed their name to the Miami Shogun. Logo coming soon (it’s still a dolphin, just wearing samurai armor).

 

Romo’s Ribs

The players occasionally pass around a meme. Normally, it’s of a personal nature and of no particular interest. The #tonyromoribs meme was a rare exception. I’ve parsed it down to what I felt were the funniest ones. Coincidently, they were all by Redskins linebacker Robert Henson

 Mr_Henson51 Robert Henson

#tonyromosribs are made from the straw of the first little pig’s house

Mr_Henson51 Robert Henson

I want whatever #tonyromosribs are made out of in a pillow case and sold to millions who seek comfort lol

Alright, enough of that shit, not as funny as I thought they’d be. Honestly, Robert Henson is a borderline douche. This is what he said about another division rival’s quarterback:

Mr_Henson51 Robert Henson

Man is it me or does Eli Manning’s speech sound ….. Uuuuummmm extraterrestrial ?? Lmao

What the hell does that mean? I must be losing my touch. Save me, Carlton Mitchell…

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

If plan A doesn’t work, don’t worry there is 25 more letters in the Alphabet.. Unless you are German or Irish #JustSayin

Awesome. Just plain awesome.

It’s Fine Time! (With Pictures!)

I honestly thought this would happen after week one, but the commish made all those charities wait awhile before he started taking the big chucks. The players are reacting to it strongly. Well, ok, Raheem Brock is.

RaheemBrock Raheem Brock

Fined by the NFL today for being “TRIPPED” by an o’lineman and fallin into the QB’s legs! Smh if I only had super powers to stop mid air

That would be convenient. Also, why is “TRIPPED” in quotation marks? Not content to merely complain, he found a picture showing said tripping into unsaid rapist.

RaheemBrock Raheem Brock

Here’s a snapshot of me getting tripped into the QB by the oline—-> seattle.sbnation.com/seattle-seahaw… about to send this in to appeal this 15k fine!

Raheembrocktripped_medium_medium

Can I quote Joe Pesci : “Could you get any further away?” That, my friends, is how you use quotation marks. (See what I did there? There’s always a payoff)

Having used a telescope to prove his point, he scoured the internet to figure out how many people agree with him. He dug deep enough to find a nutter writing for the bleacher report (but not nearly deep enough to find this column)

RaheemBrock Raheem Brock

Interesting article….says the commissioner was waiting to get me back for the crank call joke this offseason lol bit.ly/oy6pzN

Right, I accept that Goodell is humorless prig, a crank call from Raheem Brock was probably unwelcome. But c’mon, this is what you’re going with? You should take it like a man. It could be worse, just ask Cullen Jenkins

CullenJenkins Cullen Jenkins

Since I got fined, can I turn around and sue for being touched in a bad way?

a3jp.jpg 

That is graphic. So, he basically paid $15,000 for a reach-around. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure you can get a better deal downtown.

Oops…

Everyone knows that NFL players love playing Madden. That’s understandable. Less understandable is how many fans send players tweets about the great imaginary performance they just had. Seriously. If you feel the need to tweet Ryan Clark that you got three interceptions with him in one game, I pity you immensely. But I digress. The Madden creators do occasionally make mistakes.

DomCurry_15 Dominique Curry

Dear Madden Creators… I didnt attend Mississippi lol…. Why would u just make that up? Lol

How does that happen? Dominique Curry, in case you didn’t know, is a reserve wideout for the Rams. A practice squad guy. For the record, he went to California University. Which is of course located in Pennsylvania. So, no reason for confusion there.

Awards

Say What Now?

This is full on crazy guy award this week. Take it away, Coy Wire…

CoyWire Coy Wire

Much like the spyware & adware that infect & disable your laptop, the “invaders of your Mind” must be identified & removed.

Mr. Wire, your foil hat is ready. I can’t wait for the day when I can walk into Geek Squad and say “Yeah, I need a McAfee update on an ‘81 brain. Does that come with identity protection?” I’m sure he was trying to be deep. He failed miserably.

Good Guy Award

About time we got a specialist in this thing. Vikings punter Chris Kluwe wins the award for the most creative way to give away free tickets.

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

I will be giving out Vikings tickets sometime Wednesday at Mall of America. It may or may not involve tackling Spongebob. #detailstocome

Good stuff. Plus, putting ‘warcraft’ in your name means he’s a dork, which endears him to me slightly. Even better was the nerdy way he informed the public of the time of this event.

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

The time I will be at Mall of America today is the same as if you divide an XBOX 360 by seventy two. #mathemagicsareamazing

Put your calculators away, it’s 5 o’clock. A couple quick tweets from the event before we move along.

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

I just ticketed a police car at Mall of America. Hope he has a sense of humor

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

We still have about 60 pairs of tickets to give away on the fourth floor of MOA at the Sky Deck. They’re going fast though!

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

Also, Donovan needs to step his game up. So far it’s random people with ice cream – 3, McNabb – 0

That’s not mention his whiteboard jokes

.

Professional Douche Award

I considered making it the entire NFL, but it’s wiser to just go with nfl.com. The reason? This advertisment:

Seriously. That happened. Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster were notably quiet on this one while I was monitoring. Nevertheless, this caused an epic shitstorm. Chris Harris sums it up simply:

ChrisHarrisNFL Chris Harris

I just feel it’s very tasteless to use any players season/career ending injury to promote Fantasy Football PERIOD!!!!!!

But, alas, I need good guy Chris Kluwe to bring this one home for me.

ChrisWarcraft Chris Kluwe

Great job NFL.com using a player’s season ending injury to promote fantasy football. Now THAT is a douchebag move. #unfuckingbelievable

Thanks, Chris, here’s your check. That was money well spent.

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Don’t Press Send! Special Edition!

Don’t Press Send! Special Edition!

 

Occasionally something may happen that I don’t feel can wait until my weekly column. That is a rule I just made up. I can make up my own rules, I’m doing this for fun, asshole.

 

“I Hate That Fucking Song”

 

Do you remember in ‘Major League’ when the owner took away their jet and made them fly in a biplane? Something similar happen in Cleveland today. The difference? Well, it was the Browns, not the Indians. Also, it was stupidity, not hate.

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

Soooo this week our Plane is Stuck in the grass -_- #ReallyDude? lockerz.com/s/139575441



 

That’s right. And the ordeal is just beginning

 

jordaNorwood Jordan Norwood

**looks out the window** i think ur right RT @C_Mitch18: So this week our Plane is Stuck in the grass -_- #ReallyDude? lockerz.com/s/139575441

 

MoMass11 Mohamed Massaquoi

3 weeks in a row RT @C_Mitch18: Soooo this week our Plane is Stuck in the grass -_- #ReallyDude? lockerz.com/s/139575441

 

So three away games (the first two in the preseason obviously), three plane delays. Last two were short. This one will take awhile. Also I wanted to get Mohamed Massaquoi in there, if only because his avatar has him in his uniform from Independence High School.

 

JoshCribbs16 Josh Cribbs

We’re stuck on the runway in Cleveland, hope we make it 2 Indy… Lets hope 4the best..(side note) any browns fans have an extra jumbo jet?

 

Anybody? Please?

 

joehaden23 Joe Haden

Ding this is your captain speaking “we are stuck in mud” thank u! #what??

 

That happened. The pilot taxied too far, into the grass. There, it sunk into the mud. A team plane. Stuck in the mud. So, they called that cousin with the pickup truck to pull them out.

 

JoshCribbs16 Josh Cribbs

They pulled us out the mud & now checking making sure we good 2go!! It’s all good guys are a lil nervous but we good!!

 

What happened next is unclear, but they were not good 2go.

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

DePlane…. AGAIN! -_- smh switching planes

 

JoshCribbs16 Josh Cribbs

I guess we’re getting off the plane headed to the terminal… We gonna be all standing on the turnpike with our thumbs out!! Lol

 

An absolutely ridiculous situation. I’d like Carlton Mitchell, my new favorite person in the world, to sum this up for me…

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

When I was 14 I had a Huffy Bike with one pedal ….I could ride through Grass and all with no prob…and I Never got stuck 0_O #JustSayin

 

So they got a new plane

 

jordaNorwood Jordan Norwood

New plane! Guess they’re bout to take care Of us on here instagr.am/p/NW440/



 

And arrived in Indy

 

JoshCribbs16 Josh Cribbs

We made it 2 Indy safely!!! thank God

 

4 ½ hours late. Not that up on Midwest geography, but it can’t take much longer to drive that far. Maybe less, as the fans beat them there

 

JoshCribbs16 Josh Cribbs

Feeling the love in Indy!!! We were greeted by a huge crowd of barking & clapping browns fans upon our arrival to the team hotel!!!!!

 

Wow. Just wow. What a great day.

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Don’t Press Send! Week 2

Don’t Press Send!

 

Well, week one is in the books, wasn’t that five kinds of exciting? We saw the longest play in NFL history (dude got canned for that one), the greatest quarterback debut (except for that whole ‘loss’ thing), and statically the biggest week of offense ever. It was like the Arena League. Except with, you know, talent. Let’s see what things they said we can laugh at, shall we?

 

Buffalo Is Weird

 

I’ve previously documented Bills’ rookie Aaron Williams’ attempts to blend into his new environment. Apparently, it’s not going well

 

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Why are people starring at me like they’ve never seen a black country boy lol #smh

 

First of all, let us not go over how embarrassingly long to took me to realize that ‘smh’ means ‘shake my head’. Partly because that’s so fucking stupid, partly because it’s misused. Anyway, back to young Mr. Williams. To better make his point, he made a hash tag.

 

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Its so funny to me that people are really surprised I’m a #countryboy

 

That’s funny? You, sir, have a piss poor opinion of comedy. Also, what were you doing to reveal your country roots? Were you being driven around town sitting on recliner in the back of your pick-up truck? Chris Hairston straightened him out

 

C_Hairston75 Chris Hairston

RT @ajwilliams23: Why are people starring at me like they’ve never seen a black country boy lol #smh……u a long way from Texas

 

After this tweet, Aaron Williams consulted a map and realized this is true. He mentioned no more about it, and his hash tag was allowed a dignified funeral. However, that was not the end of southern contempt for these semi-Canadians. Pick a nit, Nick Barnett.

 

NickBarnett NickBarnett

So y’all say car weird out here in Buffalo!!! Lol

 

 

NickBarnett NickBarnett

” I left it in the CAHH”.. Huh in the what? ….”CAH” lmfao

 

I’m having trouble figuring out why I find this hilarious. Maybe because I know so people from Buffalo. I would have picked on them for saying ‘aboot’, but whatever.

 

 

Aww, Poor Guy

 

It seems like just yesterday that Matt Leinart was the ultimate golden boy quarterback. First round pick, oodles of money, banging Paris Hilton just because he could. Well, those days are over. Being a career backup in Houston is far less glamorous. Still, shouldn’t he have one friend at least?

 

MattLeinartQB Matt Leinart

I don’t know about all you but I have absolutely no problem seeing a movie by myself! Anyone else?

 

That’s so sad! Especially the last part, reaching out for fellow lonely losers. Oh well, how was the movie?

 

MattLeinartQB Matt Leinart

Seeing Warrior! Gone a leave the movie wanting to pad up and play football ha

 

And stand around watching for three hours. I’m pumped! Seriously though, can we find this guy a buddy?

 

 

Paging Billy Madison

 

These guys all at least attended college for three years. Some schools don’t bother teaching them tough stuff, but I thought they’d at least cover arts & crafts

 

RodIssac Rod Issac

Twitter I need y’all help anyone knows someone that does collages?? I have a few newspaper articles and pictures I want did into a frame

 

I actually replied to this dumbass

 

@Dionoil

Yeah, my five year old daughter does

 

It’s called a glue stick and a fucking hour. Back to kindergarten with you, buddy.

 

 

Game Time!

 

It wasn’t just random idiocy this week, though, there were also football games to talk about. Let’s review…

 

jharrison9292 James Harrison

That’s what you call getting beat like you stole something!!!!

 

Can’t really expand on that, that sums it up nicely.

 

AntonioBrown84 Antonio Brown

Humble pie !!! Chest up eyes up prayed up!

 

That’s right, the Ravens won because the Steelers weren’t fully prayed up. That’ll learn ‘em.

 

Hood305Star Kareem Brown

Mark Sanchez > Tony Homo I mean Romo ….. #IJS

 

Burn! That was funny, got any more, Kareem?

 

Hood305Star Kareem Brown

When they do the Starting Lineup introductions: Cromartie should introduce ALL 10 of his kids ….. #ShoutOuts #IJS lol

 

I love this guy. One more, please?

 

Hood305Star Kareem Brown

I bet Plaxico Shank at least 3 ppl this game , he still got a #JailMentality

 

Eh, not bad. Moving on…

 

Mr_Henson51 Robert Henson

The same people that said Cam shouldn’t be the first QB/Player taken now they all over his piece

 

EXACTLY! They sure changed their tune quick. I’m pretty sure that Maycock owes him a blowie for the shit he said before the draft.

 

 

Awards

 

Say What Now?

 

It was really tough to pick the funniest tweet of the week, there were a lot of good candidates. In the end, I picked the funniest person. In my own twisted sense of humor, it has to be Brown WR Carlton Mitchell. Let us illustrate…

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

“Now, how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?”… thoughts of the spider. 0_0

 

I know it’s stupid, but I love it.

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

If you NOT excited about Football just Stop Tweeting now.. Better yet DM me your Login Information and I’ll delete your account for you..-_-

 

Not funny, I know, but it lead to this…

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

 

That’s the best thing ever. But the one that won him the award…

 

C_Mitch18 Carlton Mitchell

Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

 

I laugh every time I read this.

 

Professional Douche Award

 

This week goes to free agent CB Robert McClain, for being the only player not watching football.

 

bobbymac36 Robert McClain

Did anybody know miss universe was on?

 

Really? Does anyone care? Monday Night Football was on at the same time. He kept us posted.

 

bobbymac36 Robert McClain

#Angola won miss universe this year. Congrats

 

Some people say it’s not really ‘Miss Universe’ when you only include Earth. Those people have obviously never seen the chicks from Alpha Centauri. Yeah, it’s fair.

 

Ok, Robert, that’s over, you watching football now?

 

bobbymac36 Robert McClain

Post pone monday night football. #weeds on. Had to catch second showing

 

Dude, seriously? A re-run? No wonder you’re unemployed. You couldn’t make it as a corner for the Panthers. Just give up.

 

Good Guy Award

 

No one really worthy of this this week, but I made it feature, so I’ll go with Charles Johnson. He tried to say good morning to the working man.

 

randywattson charles johnson

SO to everyone who has a 9 to 5. And just got up

 

‘SO’ means ‘shout out’, that one I figured out quite quickly. A nice morning tweet, nothing remarkable. Morons kept sending him their schedules. Pointing out, no doubt, that very few actually work 9 to 5

 

randywattson charles johnson

Lol SO to the people who got a 8 to 3 , 7 to 5 lol all the above. Keep grinding #much love

 

You get the award for putting up with the stupidest people, Chuck. Congrats.

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Don’t Press Send – Week 1

Well, it’s been about a week since my last column, and my cock has finally dried off. So, I’m back to the twitterverse to pull off more LOL magics for your enjoyment. There was a great deal to sift through this week, so let us begin with the few things I bothered to read.

Dick Hunting!

As a rule, I’m above pointing out innocent typos. Except that is, when they’re really, really funny.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
Let’s go dick hunting!

To be honest, I missed this the first time through. Ryan himself caught it.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
Ooooooohhhhhh my bad! Pause that. I’m sure you know I meant duck. Lol. That’s the last thing I want to hunt! I’m on twitter punishment!

Not certain what twitter punishment is, but I’m pretty sure it involves dicks. Also, thou doth protest too much, as teammate Ike Taylor pointed out.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
“@Ike_SwagginU: @RealRClark25 meant duck hunting” No doubt. Just saw that! That’s how rumors start

Sure. Rumors. There was a happy ending to this as the Oregon Dicks got gobbled up by LSU. I can’t begin to tell you how much I wish they were playing the USC Trojans.

Yes, He Owns A Football Team

When people think of crazy owners, most mention either Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder. Understandable, as both are a little eccentric and have teams in big markets. Believe me when I tell you that they are tame. Colts owner Jim Irsay, on the other hand, is bat-shit crazy.

JimIrsay Jim Irsay 
Last thing I remembered b4 I stripped n kneeled,was a train of fools bogged down n a MagneticField.A gypsy with a BrokenBag n a FlashingRing

Yes, in case you’re wondering, these are song lyrics. Bob Dylan, to be precise. He posts this crap all day. That’s not the best part.

JimIrsay Jim Irsay
Round 4 starts NOW! New followers,disregard the bread crumbs..u simply have 3 guesses ONLY,guess # between 1 – 10,000 — Win $3000!

That’s right. $3000 if you can guess the number he’s thinking of. That would put in the running for The Good Guy award if it wasn’t so nuts. He’s like Scrooge McDuck off his meds.

Need A Job?

People often say that NFL players are a bunch of spoiled, entitled jerks. They’re not wrong. However, with roster cuts happening this week hundreds of players are now looking for work. Oakland Raiders cornerback Sterling Moore is not of them.

SterlingMoore Sterling Moore
Anyone out there work at a car dealership and want to hook me up??

Now, I knew what he meant. He’s a football player looking for a discount in return for patronage. Sadly, this only works when you’re famous, which Sterling is not. Not even in Oakland. He received a deluge of job offers. Some suggested he seek out less legal forms of employment.

SterlingMoore Sterling Moore 
Not a job. A car!! RT @OldSchoolCaddie: @SterlingMoore why don’t you sell pharmaceuticals

That’s just priceless. Oh, and OldSchoolCaddie? The police are here to talk to you.

The Good Life

As a rich, young athlete, all the world’s pleasures are at your beck and call (what the hell is a ‘beck’?). I’ve collected my favorite examples of them being just plain better than you.

FABEWASH31 FABIAN WASHINGTON 
I’m a big fan of cakebread Cellars Cabernet

Hey, pretty sure you’re on IR. Drink it up.

DerrickWard32 Derrick Ward 
Dammit nothing is open! I need a massage!

Me too! They always just leave after you have sex with them. I paid for a whole hour!

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er 
got her them “winter trash” red bottoms…

I have no idea what this means, but I bet they’re oppressive.

JermichaelF88 Jermichael Finley 
Getting me a nice little Pedicure.

I think Ryan Clark wants to hang out with you.

DaQuanBowers91 Da’Quan Bowers 
So my god daughter got a pony and she 6 months old!!!

People with more money than sense are like a disease.

Awards

Say What Now?

And funniest comment of the week, for the second week in a row, goes to unsigned free agent linebacker Kawika Mitchell.

KawikaMitchell Kawika Mitchell 
Man… It is hotter than a camels toe down here in Fla.

Ah, the camel toe. Both disgusting and sexy (‘cause it’s, you know, vagina), awesome and terrible. I’ve never heard this turn of phrase before. I will now use it in every applicable situation. I can’t wait to fire this one off with an old lady in earshot.

Honorable Mention goes to ESPN analyst Jay Bilas

JayBilas Jay Bilas 
The 1970′s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms.

Just had to get that travesty in there somewhere.

Professional Douche Award

I was going to call him out last week, but I resisted. I could conceivably call him out next week, for Donovan McNabb is the king of Douchedom. Here is brief collection of his tweets.

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Washington Redskins Are Still Selling Donovan McNabb Souvenir Cups For $6 dlvr.it/jvvpX

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Three quarterbacks get fresh starts with new teams dlvr.it/jzQCX

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
With Donovan McNabb at the helm, Vikings are the 2011 NFL Team of Destiny dlvr.it/k8wP9

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Minnesota Vikings: Just How Much Does Donovan McNabb Have Left? dlvr.it/kHZmw

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
The Shutdown Five: Quarterbacks with something to prove in 2011 dlvr.it/kQjcL

That’s correct friends, ALL of his tweets are links to news stories about himself. I whittled this down a great deal. Some stories were posted numerous times, in case we missed it. Looking himself up seems to be his primary internet activity, to say nothing of the self-serving content of the stories themselves. It’s incredible what a douche this guy is. I’m speechless.

Good Guy Award

The antithesis of Donovan McNabb is Chris Harris. He goes out of his way not only to read the messages assholes send him, but to post relatively patient answers. For the sake of space, I have posted only one below.

ChrisHarrisNFL Chris Harris
Ur an IdiotRT @bruk72: dont 4get the only reason u r on this team is because angelo has no ability 2 draft a safety. Embrace that ignorance.

Angelo did draft a safety. His name was Chris Harris. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

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Don’t Press Send! Preseason

Don’t Press Send!

As we begin a new season in the NFL, it is time that we dug through the vast Twitter wasteland to see what our favorite (or funniest) players are up to. So our crack team of me (and my swinging cock) have filtered to the wave of retweets and unintelligible gobbledygook to bring you this thing. Your comments are neither wanted nor appreciated. Go to hell. That is all.

The Simple Life

Being a grown-up is hard work. It sucks, acutally. Just ask Justin Tuck

JustinTuckNYG91 Justin Tuck

I miss the simple things in life. Like sitting on the porch watching the cars go by

That’s cute. But not everyone agrees. Eric Norwood thinks being a football player doesn’t preclude home-based loitering

ENorwood40 Eric Norwood

Cooling on da porch

See Justin? You’re never too old to be simple.

Bellevue Sucks

Yes, Mike Williams is still alive and doing quite well for himself. I’m certain where Bellevue is (Washington? I guess?) but apparently it’s full of bigoted assholes.

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

Hahahah some white ppl in Bellevue dont even try to hide the racism..

I HATE white ppl. I don’t know if a waiter gave him an ugly look or what, but he was pissed. It turns out, though, that these ppl aren’t stupid ppl,

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

But the tune changes soo fast when they find out you have $

So Sizzler got the salad right eventually. On a side note, isn’t love of money an odd complaint for someone with a dollar sign in their handle? Needless to say, there was an outcry. Mike’s followers were up in arms over his intolerance. Always the runner, he took it in stride.

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

U dont have to tell me ur unfollowing.. Trust me, not only would i not notice.. But i dont care either. Like Nike, just do it hahaha

You got the last laugh, Big Mike, way to go.

I’m so glad he got his life together.

Geography is Hard

Former Buffalo Bills first round pick Willis McGahee was famously shocked to find he’d been drafted by a New York team, yet would be playing nowhere close to New York City. So perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on Bills rookie Aaron Williams. He just likes a good vista.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Wow very nice view of the lake!

Nice. Enjoying your new surroundings. I hope he doesn’t over tweet this.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Or sea or whatever it is

Damn. Oh well, have a seat, Rook. You’ll get them next time. What’s that? You want one more shot. Okay, but ask around first.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Got a real cool view of lake Erie!!

You’re a quick learner, Rook. I like that.

Yes, but….

Lions Tight End Joe Jon Finley is a smart guy. He’s also kinda gross.

joejonfinley Joe Jon Finley

One thing I would do if I owned a hotel… Have good, strong, soft toilet paper.

Alright, that might be the smartest thing anybody’s ever said about anything ever. I just can’t get past the fact that I’m 90% sure that we was tweeting with one hand while operating unsatisfactory sanitary paper with the other. That, or leaning over a mirror checking for blood. Not a good image either way.

A Softer Side

It’s commonly accepted that Cortland Finnegan is a punk. A reputation he seems to relish. Odd, then, to find he has a softer side.

C_Finnegan31 Cortland Finnegan

Just saw the movie ” The Help” wow what a touching movie it’s a must see, it’s moving to the core.. I’m humbled by it..

I bet he cried. Seriously though, we may see a new Cortland this year. This is equivalent to Scrooge meeting the Ghost of Christmas Future. They should show this movie in prisons.

Jim Tressel’s Fate

This was a common theme among many players today, all expressing the same opinion. Ryan Clark’s was the most concise.

RealRClark25 ryan clark

I wonder why Jim Tressel’s college transgressions don’t have him suspended for a few games in the NFL! Oh yea NFL only hounds players!

Why indeed?

Awards

Say What now?

Often, people will tweet an opinion or comment with out context or background. This weeks winner is Kawika Mitchell

KawikaMitchell Kawika Mitchell

We’re not all scientist. Some are warriors. That was our chosen path.

I know what he means. Most of us don’t have the grade to be scientist.

Honorable Mention goes to Bucs WR Preston Parker

PrestonParker87 Preston Parker

Tamera married a white dude!!! #LIKEDUDE!!! #nodisrespectdudes

I don’t know Tamera, but I like her style.

Professional Douche Award

Most players twitter bio is empty or contains a bible verse. Some are kind enough to list their team and position so we know they are the player. The only thing worse than following Kirk Morrison is following a fake Kirk Morrison.

Raiders RB Darren McFadden, on the other hand, couldn’t turn down the chance to be a dick

This is his bio:

dmcfadden20 darren mcfadden I will not respond to interviews or autograph request via twitter

God I hate you.

Good Guy Award

A double award for two guys that went above and beyond.

First is Mark Clayton. He was nice enough to send me message

MarkClayton89 Thanks for following @markclayton89!

Assuming he’s done that for each of his 7,000+ followers, that represents a large time investment. It also makes him a pretty good guy.

Second mention goes to Browns WR Carlton Mitchell, who went so far as to follow me back. He seems to extend this courtesy to most of his more than 12,000 followers. He’s in luck, my feed is steady stream of interesting.

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