Don’t Press Send! Preseason

Don’t Press Send!

As we begin a new season in the NFL, it is time that we dug through the vast Twitter wasteland to see what our favorite (or funniest) players are up to. So our crack team of me (and my swinging cock) have filtered to the wave of retweets and unintelligible gobbledygook to bring you this thing. Your comments are neither wanted nor appreciated. Go to hell. That is all.

The Simple Life

Being a grown-up is hard work. It sucks, acutally. Just ask Justin Tuck

JustinTuckNYG91 Justin Tuck

I miss the simple things in life. Like sitting on the porch watching the cars go by

That’s cute. But not everyone agrees. Eric Norwood thinks being a football player doesn’t preclude home-based loitering

ENorwood40 Eric Norwood

Cooling on da porch

See Justin? You’re never too old to be simple.

Bellevue Sucks

Yes, Mike Williams is still alive and doing quite well for himself. I’m certain where Bellevue is (Washington? I guess?) but apparently it’s full of bigoted assholes.

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

Hahahah some white ppl in Bellevue dont even try to hide the racism..

I HATE white ppl. I don’t know if a waiter gave him an ugly look or what, but he was pissed. It turns out, though, that these ppl aren’t stupid ppl,

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

But the tune changes soo fast when they find out you have $

So Sizzler got the salad right eventually. On a side note, isn’t love of money an odd complaint for someone with a dollar sign in their handle? Needless to say, there was an outcry. Mike’s followers were up in arms over his intolerance. Always the runner, he took it in stride.

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er

U dont have to tell me ur unfollowing.. Trust me, not only would i not notice.. But i dont care either. Like Nike, just do it hahaha

You got the last laugh, Big Mike, way to go.

I’m so glad he got his life together.

Geography is Hard

Former Buffalo Bills first round pick Willis McGahee was famously shocked to find he’d been drafted by a New York team, yet would be playing nowhere close to New York City. So perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on Bills rookie Aaron Williams. He just likes a good vista.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Wow very nice view of the lake!

Nice. Enjoying your new surroundings. I hope he doesn’t over tweet this.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Or sea or whatever it is

Damn. Oh well, have a seat, Rook. You’ll get them next time. What’s that? You want one more shot. Okay, but ask around first.

ajwilliams23 Aaron Williams

Got a real cool view of lake Erie!!

You’re a quick learner, Rook. I like that.

Yes, but….

Lions Tight End Joe Jon Finley is a smart guy. He’s also kinda gross.

joejonfinley Joe Jon Finley

One thing I would do if I owned a hotel… Have good, strong, soft toilet paper.

Alright, that might be the smartest thing anybody’s ever said about anything ever. I just can’t get past the fact that I’m 90% sure that we was tweeting with one hand while operating unsatisfactory sanitary paper with the other. That, or leaning over a mirror checking for blood. Not a good image either way.

A Softer Side

It’s commonly accepted that Cortland Finnegan is a punk. A reputation he seems to relish. Odd, then, to find he has a softer side.

C_Finnegan31 Cortland Finnegan

Just saw the movie ” The Help” wow what a touching movie it’s a must see, it’s moving to the core.. I’m humbled by it..

I bet he cried. Seriously though, we may see a new Cortland this year. This is equivalent to Scrooge meeting the Ghost of Christmas Future. They should show this movie in prisons.

Jim Tressel’s Fate

This was a common theme among many players today, all expressing the same opinion. Ryan Clark’s was the most concise.

RealRClark25 ryan clark

I wonder why Jim Tressel’s college transgressions don’t have him suspended for a few games in the NFL! Oh yea NFL only hounds players!

Why indeed?

Awards

Say What now?

Often, people will tweet an opinion or comment with out context or background. This weeks winner is Kawika Mitchell

KawikaMitchell Kawika Mitchell

We’re not all scientist. Some are warriors. That was our chosen path.

I know what he means. Most of us don’t have the grade to be scientist.

Honorable Mention goes to Bucs WR Preston Parker

PrestonParker87 Preston Parker

Tamera married a white dude!!! #LIKEDUDE!!! #nodisrespectdudes

I don’t know Tamera, but I like her style.

Professional Douche Award

Most players twitter bio is empty or contains a bible verse. Some are kind enough to list their team and position so we know they are the player. The only thing worse than following Kirk Morrison is following a fake Kirk Morrison.

Raiders RB Darren McFadden, on the other hand, couldn’t turn down the chance to be a dick

This is his bio:

dmcfadden20 darren mcfadden I will not respond to interviews or autograph request via twitter

God I hate you.

Good Guy Award

A double award for two guys that went above and beyond.

First is Mark Clayton. He was nice enough to send me message

MarkClayton89 Thanks for following @markclayton89!

Assuming he’s done that for each of his 7,000+ followers, that represents a large time investment. It also makes him a pretty good guy.

Second mention goes to Browns WR Carlton Mitchell, who went so far as to follow me back. He seems to extend this courtesy to most of his more than 12,000 followers. He’s in luck, my feed is steady stream of interesting.

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