Don’t Press Send – Week 1

Well, it’s been about a week since my last column, and my cock has finally dried off. So, I’m back to the twitterverse to pull off more LOL magics for your enjoyment. There was a great deal to sift through this week, so let us begin with the few things I bothered to read.

Dick Hunting!

As a rule, I’m above pointing out innocent typos. Except that is, when they’re really, really funny.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
Let’s go dick hunting!

To be honest, I missed this the first time through. Ryan himself caught it.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
Ooooooohhhhhh my bad! Pause that. I’m sure you know I meant duck. Lol. That’s the last thing I want to hunt! I’m on twitter punishment!

Not certain what twitter punishment is, but I’m pretty sure it involves dicks. Also, thou doth protest too much, as teammate Ike Taylor pointed out.

RealRClark25 ryan clark 
“@Ike_SwagginU: @RealRClark25 meant duck hunting” No doubt. Just saw that! That’s how rumors start

Sure. Rumors. There was a happy ending to this as the Oregon Dicks got gobbled up by LSU. I can’t begin to tell you how much I wish they were playing the USC Trojans.

Yes, He Owns A Football Team

When people think of crazy owners, most mention either Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder. Understandable, as both are a little eccentric and have teams in big markets. Believe me when I tell you that they are tame. Colts owner Jim Irsay, on the other hand, is bat-shit crazy.

JimIrsay Jim Irsay 
Last thing I remembered b4 I stripped n kneeled,was a train of fools bogged down n a MagneticField.A gypsy with a BrokenBag n a FlashingRing

Yes, in case you’re wondering, these are song lyrics. Bob Dylan, to be precise. He posts this crap all day. That’s not the best part.

JimIrsay Jim Irsay
Round 4 starts NOW! New followers,disregard the bread crumbs..u simply have 3 guesses ONLY,guess # between 1 – 10,000 — Win $3000!

That’s right. $3000 if you can guess the number he’s thinking of. That would put in the running for The Good Guy award if it wasn’t so nuts. He’s like Scrooge McDuck off his meds.

Need A Job?

People often say that NFL players are a bunch of spoiled, entitled jerks. They’re not wrong. However, with roster cuts happening this week hundreds of players are now looking for work. Oakland Raiders cornerback Sterling Moore is not of them.

SterlingMoore Sterling Moore
Anyone out there work at a car dealership and want to hook me up??

Now, I knew what he meant. He’s a football player looking for a discount in return for patronage. Sadly, this only works when you’re famous, which Sterling is not. Not even in Oakland. He received a deluge of job offers. Some suggested he seek out less legal forms of employment.

SterlingMoore Sterling Moore 
Not a job. A car!! RT @OldSchoolCaddie: @SterlingMoore why don’t you sell pharmaceuticals

That’s just priceless. Oh, and OldSchoolCaddie? The police are here to talk to you.

The Good Life

As a rich, young athlete, all the world’s pleasures are at your beck and call (what the hell is a ‘beck’?). I’ve collected my favorite examples of them being just plain better than you.

FABEWASH31 FABIAN WASHINGTON 
I’m a big fan of cakebread Cellars Cabernet

Hey, pretty sure you’re on IR. Drink it up.

DerrickWard32 Derrick Ward 
Dammit nothing is open! I need a massage!

Me too! They always just leave after you have sex with them. I paid for a whole hour!

BigMikeWill17 Tha FundRai$er 
got her them “winter trash” red bottoms…

I have no idea what this means, but I bet they’re oppressive.

JermichaelF88 Jermichael Finley 
Getting me a nice little Pedicure.

I think Ryan Clark wants to hang out with you.

DaQuanBowers91 Da’Quan Bowers 
So my god daughter got a pony and she 6 months old!!!

People with more money than sense are like a disease.

Awards

Say What Now?

And funniest comment of the week, for the second week in a row, goes to unsigned free agent linebacker Kawika Mitchell.

KawikaMitchell Kawika Mitchell 
Man… It is hotter than a camels toe down here in Fla.

Ah, the camel toe. Both disgusting and sexy (‘cause it’s, you know, vagina), awesome and terrible. I’ve never heard this turn of phrase before. I will now use it in every applicable situation. I can’t wait to fire this one off with an old lady in earshot.

Honorable Mention goes to ESPN analyst Jay Bilas

JayBilas Jay Bilas 
The 1970’s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms.

Just had to get that travesty in there somewhere.

Professional Douche Award

I was going to call him out last week, but I resisted. I could conceivably call him out next week, for Donovan McNabb is the king of Douchedom. Here is brief collection of his tweets.

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Washington Redskins Are Still Selling Donovan McNabb Souvenir Cups For $6 dlvr.it/jvvpX

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Three quarterbacks get fresh starts with new teams dlvr.it/jzQCX

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
With Donovan McNabb at the helm, Vikings are the 2011 NFL Team of Destiny dlvr.it/k8wP9

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
Minnesota Vikings: Just How Much Does Donovan McNabb Have Left? dlvr.it/kHZmw

DonovanMcNabb5 Donovan McNabb 
The Shutdown Five: Quarterbacks with something to prove in 2011 dlvr.it/kQjcL

That’s correct friends, ALL of his tweets are links to news stories about himself. I whittled this down a great deal. Some stories were posted numerous times, in case we missed it. Looking himself up seems to be his primary internet activity, to say nothing of the self-serving content of the stories themselves. It’s incredible what a douche this guy is. I’m speechless.

Good Guy Award

The antithesis of Donovan McNabb is Chris Harris. He goes out of his way not only to read the messages assholes send him, but to post relatively patient answers. For the sake of space, I have posted only one below.

ChrisHarrisNFL Chris Harris
Ur an IdiotRT @bruk72: dont 4get the only reason u r on this team is because angelo has no ability 2 draft a safety. Embrace that ignorance.

Angelo did draft a safety. His name was Chris Harris. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

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